A few of us were complaining about Dancing With The Stars all while watching Dancing With The Stars when this advert came on for scum removing wipes.

The scenario was the typical marketing land awkward family situation where dad is nothing more than a mindless monkey, mum is not saying shit but having a wry smile, the son has been beamed to us from planet advertising and the daughter is in the background penning a suicide note.

So we started discussing how a scum removing ad should be made- by using scumbags and wiping that shit out. We then echoed the thoughts of everyone else watching TV at that time- ‘Who were those celebrities on DWTS?’ and ‘we can make better ads than this’. So we decide to hypothetically make our get rid of scum ads [posters because they're cheap and we could use the left over money for a hypothetical charity].

The obvious popped up- the cops dishing some law on Todd McKenney when he’s all drugged up on love juice while bashing his head against a Sydney park fence after an all-nighter. This kick started the throwing out of names to front our imaginary advertising campaign.

‘Kyle Sandilands! Sam Newman, Daryl Somers’

‘Ricky Nixon, Eddie McGuire’

‘Mr. Bubbles, Peter Dupas, Nicole Kidman’

‘Andrew Bolt, that smug cunt Neil Mitchell!’

‘OMG Delta Goodrem!’

‘Yes! But you couldn’t use her because she’d try and get someone like Mick Gatto to kill us.’

‘What about Brian McFadden?’

‘I saw him get pictured smoking outside an airport!’

We agreed Brian McFadden would be our first spokesperson.

‘Speaking of things that make you ill, what about Jackie O?’

‘Well if we have her we’d have to put pie guts in there.’

Ironically these two became our number twos.

We soon realised Australia wasn’t big enough for such a supposed idea, even if we did fit in Matthew Newton’s forehead:

We wanted the ad campaign of our collective minds to reach a larger audience- the goddamn motherfucking US of A.

‘The Jersey Shore tip rats’

‘Snooki!’

‘What those vapid creatures from the Hills?’

‘What the fuck is that?’

‘Some shit show.’

‘No, what’s vapid?’

‘Don’t worry, with names like ‘Pratt’ they’re perfect’

Sales of Viva Scum wipes were starting to go through the made-up roof as they flew off the shelves with every consumer reaction to the advert’s edginess. But to make it truly global we had to hit the UK. Yet, who was sick and depraved enough spokesperson? Fred West and Harold Shipman? No, we couldn’t go past tabloid love rat and president of the English Scumbag Society- Chelsea’s Ashley Cole.

The campaign was now a global phenomenon with make-believe social media abuzz and people in our heads twittering, facebook posting, kids pissing themselves at bus shelters and the whole world in general having a shit fit over our controversial campaign.

But we didn’t even have an advertising agency name.

We need something that represented the all of us, – The All Of Us that’ll do so we can start sending them out. We then stopped, focused on each other, closed our eyes and looked back on our ads.

‘It’s a bit mean though isn’t it?’

‘They’d never approve it’

We then sat there reflecting in silence before agreeing in unison …. ‘Fuck ‘em’.

But we paused again. There was a bigger issue at stake and it wasn’t the use of these celebrities to sell a piss weak product from a company of psychopathic bible bashers.

It was another voice, I think it was in my head but it could’ve also have been one of the twitterers:

‘What sort of arseclowns would waste their time producing fake ads for a real company?’

True. Change the channel.