When innovative broadcaster Channel 7 announced the highly-creative Celebrity Splash it was met with some minor scepticism as to what legitimate celebrities would get on-board. However, the people who still watched free to air TV were genuinely surprised when a who’s who of the corporate speaking circuit made themselves instantly available. But, a minority of nasty elements in the media started to use vicious puns, including ‘belly flop’, ‘bomb’ and ‘careers taking a dive’ to describe the show, resulting in both the ratings and potential careers ‘sinking’. Today, we look back and find out just what the cast is doing now.

Laura Csortan- Even all the courage she mustered to win the Miss Australia in 1997 was not enough to stop Laura from dramatically pulling out early.  She’s now kept busy hanging on the walls of dodgy mechanics that haven’t taken down their posters from RALPH magazine 15 years ago.

Thunder from Gladiators- Brought in at the last moment to give the show some extra superstar credibility. Has his sights firmly set on a career as a doorman of a ‘classy erotic dance club’.

Demi Harman- Is currently running a twitter account all by herself where she likes to use ‘xx’ and ‘!!’ a lot.

Denise Drydsale: Ding-Dong thought it was going to be her last big shot. Instead it’s ended in her hanging back around Sunshine train station bumming smokes off teenagers. Is said to constantly text Thunder to ‘catch up for a drink’.

Josh Thomas- A much-maligned and tragic figure that the producers toiled over as to whether he had enough ‘star power’ for the show. He is now (as in right now) googling himself and is currently reading this.

Koby Abberton- The notorious Bra Boy is thought to spend most of his time going bald.

Leisal Jones- The former swimming legend decided show business wasn’t for her and she invested all her earnings in purchasing the remaining grease that Susie Maroney used to rub on her body for long-distance swims. She plans to market it to ‘anyone that’s really cold’.

Nick Bracks- Scaled the heights of the making it to the final of the prestigious Cleo Bachelor of the year to the lows of shitting his pants on the way home from a St Kilda nightclub. His future remains uncertain.

Paul Fenech- Was last seen signing someone’s Big Mac wrapper in the car park of McDonalds.

Renae Ayris- The whole country was on the edge of their seats when she was named the 3rd runner-up in the 2012 Miss Universe pageant, then we fall out of them when she was shockingly eliminated early from Celebrity Splash. She now spends her days sleeping and her nights writing a beauty pageant acceptance speech in the fog of her shower glass.

Tamsyn Lewis- Last spotted coming out of Cash Convertors in Collingwood with just the 4 medals around her neck.

Andrew Symonds- Was busted trying to sneak food from a Queensland Sizzler salad bar into an aluminum foil lined backpack after stubbies fall out of the bag and rolled along the vinyl floor.

Andrew Welsh- The former footballer is now believed to spend most of his time being a former footballer.

Bryyne Edelsten- The world is her oyster and Channel 7 is thought to be coming up with a plan to integrate her into every single show and news program on their network including a revamped ‘Border Patrol’ where she acts as a ‘Customs Fashion police’ and critiques the looks of Asian travellers.

Adam Richard- Is now rumoured to be doing whatever it was he did before he went on the show.

Stay tuned for more Channel 7 high-jinx including a one-hour AKTIFMAG special featuring the hosts of Celebrity Splash talking about what it was like to host Celebrity Splash. 

Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines….

(click on the image for a bigger version)

Now, anyone got a smoke?

Standard softcore penguin shot.

They are the unpaid stars of movies, one of the few major tourist attractions in Victoria that don’t involve piss-stained alleyways and they provide subject matter for shit jokes in Christmas crackers, yet how much do you really know about penguins? Well, if you know moderately bugger all then it’s time you read ‘10 Penguin Facts Things’, part two of AKTIFMAG’s Animals Facts Things series.

 A South American Magellanic Penguin doing something.

Simply let AKTIFMAG’s psychics and mediums raise them for you. Whether you’re ‘reporting’ on natural disasters, financial hardship or just general heartache that everyone around the world experiences we’ll provide the Aussie Fighting Spirits for you to bang on about.

These are not just any normal fighting spirits that are inherent in every single human being on earth, they’re guaranteed 100% Aussie Fighting Spirits*!

As Kochie says “Other country’s fighting spirts are hopeless and probably give up, not ours though because they have the word ‘Aussie’ in them.”

Plus, with every purchase get 1 free ‘Spirit of the Diggers’. Perfect for any occasion where you want to use the horrors of war to market your event or product**

To contact Aussie Fighting spirits all you need to so is contact aktifmag.com today, our mediums are waiting by.

*Some Aussie spirits may be made overseas.
** Digger Spirits must only be used in AFL and NRL never for things like Gay & Lesbian Mardi Gras. 

  An easily impressed owl yesterday.

When the default animal of the internet was being chosen many feel the owl was a little unlucky in losing out to the kitty cat. Instead, in an ironic twist, the owl was lumped with a position on brooches and pins of cat ladies. Owls have also been forced to live a life of half truths and misconceptions, so today, we try to bury some of those in ‘10 Owl Facts Things.’ It’s part one of AKTIFMAG’s Animals Facts Things series.

  An owl somewhere.

1. Owls are found in all regions of the Earth except Antarctica, most of Greenland and some remote islands. So they’re clearly not found in all regions of the earth.

Someone’s farked.

2. Similar to hipster men trying to pick up while pretending to read a novel at a bar, owls are predators. Also, just as it’s hard for us to swallow these men’s bullshit tactics at meeting women, owls also have problems swallowing and must tear their prey into very small pieces.

 An owl being wherever it wants to be.

3. Most owls don’t make their own nest. They usually nest in a tree cavity or in an old crow, raven, or hawk nest. Basically wherever the fark they want to live in.

 Before going into Revolver, coming out of Revolver.

4. Everyone knows that someone who has popped a pinger at Revolver nightclub has the ability to roll their eyes in any direction but did you know that Owls’ eyes are fixed in their sockets? This means they must turn their entire head to see in a different direction.

5. Contrary to popular bullshit owls do not turn their heads 360 degres but about 270 degrees, still pretty good innit?

Awwwww.

6. Owls usually hang out on their lonesome but the literary collective noun for a group of owls is a parliament, which is pretty confusing as it’s obviously also the name for a collective of petulant children.

7. You can buy an album of owls making noises on iTunes here but don’t bother as the cheeky bastard who recorded it charges $1.69 for you to hear either an 8 second track of female flammulated owl moaning or one hooting for a couple of seconds.

  ’Owl you doing’.

8. Owls are one of people’s favourite animals when the moment is right to have a play on words. Standard lines include ‘Hoot of a time’ ‘Owl’s about that’ ‘Owl always love you’ ‘Don’t worry owl wait’ ‘Owl see what I can do about that’ ‘Nice hooters’ and the classic ‘Weird Owl Yankovic’.

9. England football manager Roy Hodgson looks like an owl. Here’s more

10. Most owls are nocturnal but surely you knew that, which makes the saying ‘Night owl’ about as worthwhile as trying to squash water.

A Swan last week.

Coming up next ‘10 Swan Facts Things’ including looking at the breeding habits of the Swan who enjoys a cheeky fag during her reproduction period.

 “Fucking fark you”

“1 minute with you cunt, 1 fucking minute”

“the question is, do I put the body in acid?”

“Fuck! What the fucking fuck?”

“Come at me cunt lips”

“this will all blow over I just need to move the fucking bodies”

“Glasgow kiss the first cunt, punch the second. Rape the third, twice”

“pretty please just take one more teeny step cunteyes”

“stay on the ground faggot, Fergie’s got something for you”

“Sorry, what’s that? You want a skull fuck?”

 “if I turn around and that dopey cunt is still smiling…”

“Oh my god. I’m in charge of a bunch of total and utter thick fucking knobheads”

“and then what I’m going to do is dig your kid’s bodies up and do it all over again”

“not you twat face, the fuckhead next to you”

 “Deaded. Cunt is deaded”

 “ok, just read my lips. YOU. ARE. A. GIGANTIC. COCKSUCKER”

“blood on my knife shit on my dick!”

“Sometimes when I’m alone I hear their voices, their last breath”

“yeah, you and the dumb cunt behind you, right fucking now”

“it’s worth it if I’m out in 6 with good behavior”

“I fucking loves Hitler”

Stay tuned for our next batch which is a collection of Fergie’s more ‘fabulous’ faces as he goes all camp on us. 

We even made the previous collection into a wee little book that you can get from our shop [Sorry these have all sold out today 10/12/12, a few left at from the fantastic Polyester  still] .

Here are a bunch of our other favourites from this year that rounded up the top 40-50ish…

• “I have nothing against Muslims ok thats a lie everyone has something against them”
• “Where has Tim Flannery been hiding while we’ve been getting all this rain”
• “They have no manners, please teach them the basics, so when they walk on the street, OTHERS can walk along the otherside” RE: Migrants
• “I’ve been hanging out for jury duty but they’ve never asked me once. I can’t wait to put a scumbag away”
• “Wat sort of aussie is called assange anyway? These idiots even checked his passport to see if his a spy?”
• “nothing makes me more angry than comedians”
• “I hate people who swim. There just a bunch of idiots who think there in a music video or ad”
• “the first thing I think when I see someone on a bike is am I prepared to do 10 year stretch [or 8 with good behaviour] “
• “when I was a kid I used to play hide and seek by myself, you had to”
• “I don’t drive my car on your bike paths, so take you bikes off my roads!”
• “clouds are crap even the white ones”
• “why can you sponsor a kid in Africa for $1 a day and they get everything but here we get bugger all for that?”
• “I’m currently in a 3 year relationship with one of my year 12 teachers and it is the best thing that has ever happened to me.”
• “it’s hard to imagine how humans are so sick. As punishment the public should be able to press the button on the electric chair”
• “the last waiter who stuffed up my order after not using a pen to take it down copped a dead leg”
• “dreams are for hippies”
• “Enough is enough.” RE: Comedians making fun of audience members.
• “lol funny how theres nothin about climate change in the paper now.Knew it was bull”
• “whenever a so called atheist says ‘where’s the proof god exists’ I simply say ‘where’s your proof he does not?’ It always stumps them”
• “Your so dum” Responding to another reader.
• “I have nothing against gay marriage but it should be banned”
• “I’ll continue to drive the safest speed for the safest conditions, if thats 130kmh in a 100 zone, than thats what i will do”

If you’d like to read any of the 2011 quotes they’re all here:

WINNERS: http://www.aktifmag.com/the-winner-of-if-famous-thinkers-quoted-herald-sun-readers/

Here are numbers 45-30 http://www.aktifmag.com/if-famous-thinkers-quoted-herald-sun-readers/

and then 30-15. http://www.aktifmag.com/part-2-if-famous-thinkers-quoted-herald-sun-readers/

 1. Gambler’s Help

Not your typical nomination for terror but what scares the bejesus out of me is not only the little smartarse’s total disregard for legal fish size but the fact that he smugly poses with his killing while Daddy looks on proud as a problem gambler that just won the jackpot at the local pokies. Sure, dad might not being playing the pokies anymore but that doesn’t mean his dopey looking son gets a license to gamble with the fisheries department and their catch sizes. Sickening.

 2. Chandon

“OK, look around for any witnesses and creep up behind him while gripping the bottle like you’re going to belt his brains out. Now, think about the bad things he did”. Unnerving.

 3. Gillette

Obviously at Gillette HQ they believe their product looks better if the celebrity holding it has a claw hand. Ghastly.

4. Kinder Surprise

You have to hand it to the marketing team for the mountains of coke they must’ve gone through to not only think this was suitable for television but that it wouldn’t freak everyone the fuck out. “Our idea is to have a paedophile creep up to the back window when the little girl’s mum is out. He’ll then try and woo her with chocolate. We’ll then cut to extremely awkward scenes which clearly have only one outcome”. Creepy.

5. Little Big Planet

On a positive note the Kinder Surprise marketing team did get another job in marketing after it. Alarming.

 6. Cosmetics

She doesn’t look 27 she looks like a fucking psychopath. Chilling.

 7. Realestate.com.au

Guys, it could be an idea to move the machine gun for the rental shot. Weird.

8. Be Naughty

If there is a more frumpy, plain, unsexy and ill-conceived ‘naughty singles’ ad I’ll eat my hat. Terrifying.

 9. STA Travel

-”We want women to travel on European trains, but they’re afraid of travelling by train alone and would probably prefer to be on a packaged tour where they feel safe, so what do we do?”

-”I’ve got it. We take a photo of a vulnerable looking girl being lead to her death along a lonely desolate European train track. We’ll even blur it and stuff for added terror”.

Bizarre.

 10. Club X

One of the most spine and pants tingling things about this is that Club X actually has a loyalty scheme for trade ins. Besides magazines what are people who treat their bodies like an amusement park actually trading in? And if people are at a stage where they are earning serious loyalty points at their local Club X then I do believe that humanity has just been blessed with the most perfect example of winning and losing at exactly the same time. Crawly.

11. mamamia.com.au

When they’re not taking advantage of and hashtagging child abuse cases for clicks on their site and using mumsy wumsy language they’re giving the right wing shock jocks a run for their sponsored money with their cash for comments. It simply is the stuff of nightmares. Blood curdling.

I pray the ghoulishness and depravity wasn’t too much for you to bare.

The reason it interested me was because back in 2006 myself and a bloke called Chook had tried to get 50 Cent commemorative coins produced by the Australian Mint with an image of 50 Cent the rapper on them.

The timing however, wasn’t kind to us. Now though, ‘Fiddy’ seems to have waned and with someone of Rudd’s caliber and prestige behind us, it is the perfect time [designs can take up to two years to be implemented] to realise our dream of an Australian Fiddy cent coin. So, today I posted this letter with our proposal:

And a copy of the original illustration, including the nine holes from when he was shot. These holes were to be included in the coin just like them old ones you see.

Fair shake of the motherfucking sauce bottle you might say, but you never know, in two years time you might see millions more people annoyingly posting ‘Fiddy, I got you in my pocket, no I actually do’.

*The letter reads:

“Dear Sir/Madam:

In 2006, myself and a guy called Chook had a dream that the image of the American rapper 50 Cent would grace Australia’s 50 cent coins. So we got our mate Wade to sketch a design for us [which I have attached for your inspection].

However, we never really felt the time was right for the design to be launched as a commemorative coin.  We wanted it to be a nostalgic tribute to his impressive career but he still had video games, guest appearances and blockbuster movies coming out.

But things changed. The game and movies were crap and he’s now even working on Euro style dance music.

Then, a few days ago, a Facebook post came to my attention. It appeared to be from the Honorable Kevin Rudd MP posting on 50 Cent’s wall. The most remarkable thing about this was that the message had accumulated over 30,000 ‘likes’.

Now, surely it is the Royal Australian Mint’s turn to ‘like’ this design and to consider it for a commemorative circulation coin design.

A major benefit is your design lead time of two years. By then he will have potentially faded even more plus there’s also every chance he is ironically cool again.

I’d also like to make mention of 50’s charity work and ask that if you choose this design, you print some extra money and give it to a charity of his nomination as payment.“