Hi Guys I’m Matthew Newton, Tortured artist.

Lets cut to the chase. So what do I want to bash next?  First of all it’s an easy one. It’s these two miserable cunts.

Fancy giving me the green light to do as I pleased and then suddenly changing tune when dad had a gig coming up?  Next up I really want to strangle this. The best bit would be the ability to easily hide in the bushes before I teach it a lesson.

This thing would be sleeping forever if I have my way.

Then it’s this little twat, I’d pull her hair and if she had a mobile phone I’d send her thousands of unsolicited texts telling her I’ll do it again. 

And I wouldn’t mind smashing this bell end’s face into the ground of a hotel either. Imagine trying to get on TV without knowing anyone and relying on hardwork and dedication? 

When I look at these two I see Bert and Patti. With it is a voice saying ‘kick them off a cliff, then blame someone or something else’.

Ok, It’s pretty clear this bitch needs to go and when I’ve finished with her my PR team will then give her a battering. Soon her own family will hate her as much as I do. 

I’d love to be able to explain how much satisfaction it would give me to snap her like a twig but I’d rather save my energy for stomping on this little fucking prick.

But do you know what really shits me more than that miserable lot? It’s this, oh how I would love to threaten it by saying it would never get a gig in a BBC doco ever again while my family run this town:

The other thing that shits me is dickheads who say I only pick on things weaker than me. This is the biggest load of crap I have ever heard since Mummy told our TV station that News Corp hacked her phone. ‘Pick on a bloke your own size!’ commoners apparently yell. This really depresses me which results in me having to take it out on you know who. Well just to prove that I am not scared, here’s someone I’d love to nail next:

He looks like a real idiot to me, just laying there, all the same size as me and that. And what are those shoes? Anyway Fuck off I’ve had enough of this shit.

Thanks Matthew.

Matthew appears as a guest of Channel Nine to promote his family sitcom starring TV’s Bert Newton titled ‘One rule for us’.

Sure, since Warnie’s relationship status on Facebook was switched to ‘Liz OMFG! LOL’ She’s had a grand shot at it:

Though, the days of her leaning on our collective shoulders then telling all, again and again and again and fucking again, are nearly over. But with your help we can keep those beautiful bleach blonde locks, that vague stare and her reliance on Shane where they rightfully belong. Simply print out this image of Simone’s scone:

Cut it out:

And paste into the latest Shane Warne article:

Or just digitally cut and paste it with some sort of Photoshopy program like so:

BEFORE:

AFTER:

Today, AKTIFMAG’s cut and paste kindness gave her the gift of a new Woman’s Day cover:

But what can you do? If you can be fucked [though I don't blame you if you most likely cannot] email [aktifmag@aktifmag.com] or tweet @AKTIFMAG your effort at getting Simone’s mug into the media. We’ll send the best one [or five if anyone bothers] a @heraldsunreader booklet that’s coming out. Entries close Dec 1

[EDIT: It's done!]

And the entries are coming in so thick and fast it’s hard keeping up with them. And here they are:

A ‘Bohemian Warnie’ from C Owen who describes it as ‘Not strictly “keeping Simone Warne’s melon in the media” but it’ll have to do.’ I like your dash.

What makes this violent but fake [hopefully] entry by CYCLOPS rather special is the barb it was delivered with ‘It’s not like you’re going to get anything better’ he adds dismissively.

We have this ‘Safe for work Warniepedia’ entry from Mr Peacock who gets extra points for putting ‘Hey Shy Guy’ in the subject line.

Then we have this one from Omi who in true competition spirit tweeted ‘I started making this for the @AKTIFMAG, @heraldsunreader book comp, but got bored half way done.”

And doesn’t she just look delightful is J Baird’s entry? He gets extra points for including a horse in the photo.

Her hearts a mess, but still she refuses to lose that vague smile from the dial…..by @brokencymbal

What about this from Luke he uncovered Simone ‘doing half a Richard Nixon for the 99%’. One love.

This effort by ‘Woddy’ looks real. I guess.

Mmm, not sure what’s going on here, neither is Sal P who said ‘In keeping with the theme I really could not be fucked’. Your honesty is appreciated.

Next it’s someone called Smyths very ‘Where’s Wally’ like entry.

‘I don’t use photoshop, but it doesn’t look like anyone does who has entered’ said Kate R who gave us this masterpiece. See what I did there?

This little entry is pretty good, and one that’s sure to be tough for the judges to look past, but they might have to because I can’t remember who entered the fucker.

A very nice entry from Phaser, a very nice entry from the couple and a dashing brooch to match.

The Loliest Monk said ‘Here you go, this is for your shit comp.’ Much obliged.

Not sure what this entry means. Hang on, wait….no still don’t get it. But thanks SirCharge…..I think.

A group of Russians smiling, now I’ve seen it all, No I haven’t there’s Simone with them! Well I never.  Cheers for a top shot PetaK

And what about this entry, no seriously what about this entry. ‘I don’t even want the fucking book. Actually I don’t know why I enetred’. Thanks anyway SL and we’re glad you did. She looks so happy and so does Ricky.

Those guys. You know the ones.

When they’re not perched at the local cafe or bar they’re lurking in bookstores. But they’re not there to read. They’re there for the prey and the bookshop is the hunting ground.

They glance over a book that acts purely as an advertisement for the demented notion they have of themselves being intelligent and mysterious.

Their non-prescription black rimmed glasses sit unevenly across their nose, as they throw out deliberately performed clumsy shy smiles to any female that’s above a ‘4’ in their own sick misogynistic rating system. A system so depraved and abhorred that they’d never actually admit to using it, not even to themselves.

They are simply the worst kind of sexual predator.

And AKTIFMAG has a case study to prove it:

A female friend was approached by one we will call ‘Rueben’ when browsing a well-known book chain we will call ‘Borders’.

After a brief chat, ‘Rueben’ asked for her number. Believing his bookshop bollocks and thinking ‘he seemed nice’ she naïvely gave him her number. Big Mistake. A few days later after forgetting all about ‘Rueben’ she received this SMS:

Not knowing who this random message was from she made mistake number two by  texting back ‘I think you have the wrong number’ to which dirty little pervert ‘Rueben’ texted number two SMS:

So the Ruebster goes from confident and sex charged in his ‘break the ice’ SMS back to Mr. Clumsy Shy Bumbling Mysterious Bookstore Boy. But you cannot take the stalker out of the degenerate as he showed with the next day follow up:

After the Ruebenator received no response he obviously felt he needed to up the charm. So he sent a barrage the next day expressing those feelings of his, which started to become more than slightly scary, such as:

But as we have already learnt with this creature, the nice guy act only lasts if he has a book in his hand. Unfortunately he had something else in his hand when he SMS’d this:

So what to do about this? Maybe use them as a commercial for the Kindle? No, the only thing to do is increase our readership by at least one and get another response out of old Ruebs. After all, I’m sure he ‘feels safe’ about expressing his feelings. So we sent him this:

We feel naughty as we await….

 Now for the winner!

We asked some of Australia’s most complex and beautiful minds to help us help their fellow great thinkers in choosing the number one.

The winner was Steve Jobs quoting ‘Bernie from Boro’. His topic of insightful commentary was Derryn Hinch being restricted by court from using any form of media for 5 months.

The judges issued this group statement: ‘It’s been an amazing journey’.

Their scriptwriter then added “Bernie from Boro addresses Mr Hinch, realises that he would not be reading the comment. He then acknowledges that and proceeds to address him again for a way he can read the comment he has never read in another 5 months time. It really hurts my head”.

Steve Jobs simply said ‘It’s just fucking mental’.

Well that’s it for this year. As our judges so beautifully said-It’s been an amazing journey. Make sure you keep track of the innovative thought that excites the intellectuals on twitter @heraldsunreader . And a big thanks to everyone that’s submitted quotes such as @_struct etc. And if you can all be arsed send in any more gems you find.

Here’s numbers 45-30 http://www.aktifmag.com/if-famous-thinkers-quoted-herald-sun-readers/

and then 30-15. http://www.aktifmag.com/part-2-if-famous-thinkers-quoted-herald-sun-readers/

And the best of the rest that didn’t make the 45, that some might say were terribly unlucky not to be quoted for eternity:
“lock him up and throw away the key or lock up the victims at least they would be safe from these dirtbag”

“In the interests of protecting myself and my friends, males who practice islam should not be allowed in Australia”

“People in the country areas don’t want a woman running the country”

“If I was that officer they’d be hosing this wombat’s brains off the pavement”

“You need a licence to own a tropical bird or exotic snake yet you don’t need a license to have a child.”

“I’ve been sexually harassed more than her and I never mentioned a thing. Toughen up, princess.”

“If my son was gay I would advise him to show discretion just like Aker advises.”

“sicko’s that deserve to be executed! we don’t need those type of people in our society. drop them in the lion enclosure.”

“Whoever did this needs the death penalty and a death penalty that makes them die a slow and agonising death.”

“My dad calls Eddie McGuire Eddie Everywhere – because he has his face in just about everything”

“Time we reintroduced the death penalty with only 1 months grace between sentence & execution [For Child bullies].”

“this should be like the afl tribuneral when he looses his appeal he should be upgraded to the death penalty”

“Planking-Any clown who doesn’t have the brainpower to stay upright deserves all they get. No sympathy”

“always thought it was worth carrying a brick in your handbag”

“I really do hope that the Victorian Police will charge her. I think its called Pergury.”

“State or Federal Police in any country should have every right to remove any item of clothing”

“Going out for breakfast is just another wowser yuppie waste of time whilst all the junkies and scumbags are walking past”

“8 years? u mudt be joing!! hang the motherf****r!!!”

“LOL and other abbreviations are much easier to text while driving than spelling out the full word.”

“Whoever did this needs the death penalty and a death penalty that makes them die a slow and agonising death”

“I saw a most attractive young schoolgirl buying vodka. Dressed in an exclusive private school uniform and with heavily mascaraed eyelashes”

“I am glad the science boffins have found water on Mars because I dont like living on a planet that cuts animals in half without cause.”

If you have any submit them to aktifmag@aktifmag.com or twitter @AKTIFMAG and we’ll keep updating it, but please no more of Nick Riewoldt [if you can help it]

2012 Submissions

Hey pal, three’s a crowd.

Someone had to go and send us another one of Nick, but at least it’s a cute as pie way to start 2012 AFL Players That Look Like They’re in Love. Submitted by TimY

2011 Entries

Submitted by A Ford

Submitted by kitteekat

Submitted by kadylio

 Submitted by Martin L

Submitted by kadylio

Submitted by M Nicholls

Remember you too can keep track of the innovative thought that excites the intellectuals @heraldsunreader on that twitter thingy.

[And yes again, these quotes are real]

Be sure to check in every 15 minutes or at least next week when we get around to crowning and awarding our number one. Here’s numbers 45-30:

http://www.aktifmag.com/if-famous-thinkers-quoted-herald-sun-readers/

And 15-1

http://www.aktifmag.com/the-winner-of-if-famous-thinkers-quoted-herald-sun-readers/

It’s just like Australian Idol but without music. And Andrew G. Well, we can’t be sure he didn’t make any of these comments.

Remember you too can keep track of the innovative thought that excites the intellectuals @heraldsunreader on that twitter thingy.

[Yes, these quotes are real]

Here are numbers 30-15 as we count down to that number one spot.

http://www.aktifmag.com/part-2-if-famous-thinkers-quoted-herald-sun-readers/

And 15-1

http://www.aktifmag.com/the-winner-of-if-famous-thinkers-quoted-herald-sun-readers/

He’s all jaw, flowing Nordic hair and open-neck shirt. Yes, TV’s ‘Bondi Vet’ Dr Chris Brown’s perfect specimen image has set just as many women’s hearts pumping as it has men’s fists through TV screens. But just how wonderful is this Mr. Goodie-Fucking-Two-Shoes?

For most people something about him doesn’t sit right.

Jason Lee bluntly [and perhaps unfairly] summed up his physical appearance in Kevin Smith’s ‘Mallrats’  by harshly describing him as ‘The guy looks like a date rapist!’

Looks aside, there’s two questions that keep Australians tossing and turning at night- Is a name the only shame the ‘Bondi Vet’ shares with Rihanna’s Chris Brown?

And does he have any dirt?

On the surface everything is peaches and huge bits of fluffy cream according his varicose vein inducing biography. As quoted below:

‘once he swaps the surfboard for the stethoscope’

What an Aussie dreamboat.

‘it was the sudden decline of his dog and best mate, “Claude”, that convinced him he had to become a vet.’

Determination and emotion brought on by the little fellas. Ladies will love that.

 ‘despite a busy schedule, he still managed to find time to travel to remote Aboriginal communities in the deserts and islands of the Northern Territory and Queensland to improve the health of animals that had never seen, let alone been treated by a vet.’

 Isn’t that the idea with animals that live in the wild?

‘Despite the extreme temperatures and basic conditions, Chris still visits, drastically improving the health of the animals as well as the local Aboriginal people that can contract diseases from the dogs.’


 ‘Despite’ the fact he likes putting the word ‘despite’ in his bio, he has overcome devastating temperatures to create a tedious and rather weird link to saving aboriginals.

Luckily, ‘The Scott Cams’ strategy isn’t forgotten about -drumming up that good old-fashioned Aussie bloke sentiment, the testosterone and the masculinity.

‘Chris was spotted by an agent in a pub telling stories over a few beers’

So, we have a surfer, a vet and an angel. A dirt-less angel. A dirt-less nauseating trumpet-blowing angel.

But if you typed  ‘The Bondi Vet makes me feel queasy’ into the little bar at the top of your computer it will lead you to an online community/forum called ‘DogzOnline’. These guys not only seem like experts when it comes to canines but also when it comes to TV personalities.

They are quite heavy in their condemnation and allegations of his perceived conflicts of interest and hypocrisy with promoting things that are not too good for our little furry friends:

http://www.dolforums.com.au/topic/199846-dr-chris-brown-publicised-buying-a-pup-from-petshop/

Here’s just a sample of what they had to say

‘Not quite the ‘Aussie Hero’ is he. Gives vets a bad name’

 ‘That is just so disgusting! He should know better’

 ‘honestly can’t believe some of the things he does’.

 ‘I’ve always thought he was a total douche, but this has only cemented that.’

 ‘he’s sold out.’

 ‘Everything he did was all for the cameras – here let me carry the pelican, here let me bring puppy back to life, here let me help the mum bond with her babies. It was making me sick!’

But as much as the good people of DogzOnline are a credible information source for universities, publishers and government agencies, the dirt dishing AKTIFMAG reading average Aussie demands that little more.  So thanks to Lynx and Dove* we ask you to dish up any dirt you may have.

Is he involved in telling stadiums of vulnerable teenage children across Australia that ‘Ice is Nice’? Is he a Mr. Big Jaw in the Eastern European sex Slave trade? Just what did he have to do with the Balkan genocide? Or maybe, just maybe he loves the animals a whole lot more than he is letting on.

You could win either a Lynx Clean pack for guys or Dove Clean Pack for girls. Your answers must be drawn, either by hand or in a program like Paint and sent to everytimeiseebondivetiscream@aktifmag.com

As long as it’s going to be hard to clean send your dirt to: everytimeiseebondivetiscream@aktifmag.com or twitter @heraldsunreader

*A big sarcastic thanks. 

UPDATE: Congratulations to JAYFC for winning the competition with his Not Safe For Work entry.

WARNING: Not only is there graphic content but there’s also a NRL player in it:

http://i.imgur.com/etfFq.jpg