It was a nice day in Scotland until these poor nice Aussies had their day ruined by a Canadian Street performer. This is their ‘payback’.

An evil street performer and two kind-hearted park dwellers yesterday.

This year I was in Edinburgh during the Fringe Festival. For those of you that don’t know about it it’s basically where pain in the arse street performers from around the world congregate and punish the public with routines they can’t get paid to perform during official Festival events.

It’s no secret that I’m not the greatest fan of street performers. Especially the one on a tricycle at Circular Quay Sydney but that’s another story between me, him and her.

 So imagine my shock when I was in a park having a picnic and ‘just a couple of beers’ when one started to set up his show right where myself and some friends had been sitting for 2 hours. We had had all kinds of picnic stuff around so to move would have been a pain, yet he didn’t even bother speaking to us. He just started setting up a perimeter around us and plonking his speaker right on the edge of our blanket.

He then gathered a crowd to watch his show then walked towards us and did a motion with his hands as if to say ‘move along peasants’ without even uttering a word.

There was no way I was moving. I’d consider it if he had the decency to even ask but I was pretty angry by his rudeness and it got a lot worse when he decided to go on the microphone and publicly announce himself ‘The Amazing Nigel’ [Slightly changed because we're really nice] and then say ‘There’s some people sitting here that might get hit with some stuff during the show, so that’s their problem’ .

Them was fighting words.

Once the ‘show’ finished, which was pathetic and consisted of him:

-Trying to humiliate people walking past with lame jokes

-Making some poor guy on the spot take off his shirt and stand on their hands and knees for no apparent reason

-Insulting a couple on a date by highlighting the man’s physical appearance.

-Making some kid be a part of it who got so bored he looked at us shook his head then changed the music on the iPod before leaving

-Not getting any laughs.

-And then telling people not to insult him by giving less that 5 pounds into his hat at the end.

I confronted him and the conversation went like this:

ME: Hey mate you’re a #@%!$ . Why don’t you even have the courtesy to ask someone to move?

HIM: [In a limp Canadian accent] Hey, I’ve been doing this show for 17 years.

ME: Well judging by the crowd’s response I think they’re hoping it’s your last

HIM: I don’t have time to argue. I have another show to get to.

ME: To get to? You’re fucking busking.

I wanted to slug him there, but it wasn’t the right thing to do in public as there were children around and you always have to think of the kids. So I did the next best thing- I cooled down then tracked him down after doing a search on the internet.

Firstly here’s some quotes from his website about himself, the trumpet blowing tosspot. 

“Why do you do it? Like many people I wanted to earn my living by sharing my passion. I also realized people need inspiration sometimes to fulfill their own dreams, and distract them from their troubles in the world. The Amazing Nigel Show tends to accomplice these tasks extremely well.”

Well he inspired me to hunt him down. Read the following email exchanges after I invented a fake character and tried to book him for a private show. 

PS- These emails went over a period of 3 weeks. The following is a selection:

Hi there,

I saw your show in Germany a while back basically wanted to see if you were available for private hire. I am based in England but have special events for my friends and family at my house in Nice France and I am organising a party for early September.
I already have various street artists performing from the UK and beyond. If you are interested I would happily meet your costs etc for coming there on top of your fee.
I know that you are in Canada but wasn’t sure if you were touring around at the present time.

Kind Regards

Kane

Hi Kane,

Actually I’m currently performing at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in Scotland.
I’m booked for a small festival in Northern Ireland on the 28th. Early September
“is” definitly possible, do you have the exact dates for me? Could drive down
south take the car ferry to france directly, and drive to across to Nice. Who 
are you bringing in? Might be able to arrange to travel together.

 My UK number is xxxxxxxxxxx 
Republic of Ireland xxxxxxxxxx

The Amazing Nigel

Hi,

Sounds good. I thought you might be at the Fringe. I have a few guys from Missing Link Productions etc coming and also a dance group called ‘Chunky Move’.
The date would be Sep 8-9.

What is your appearance fee and can we do requests?

Regards

Kane

Hi Kane,

Sorry for the delay between emails. Been working myself quite hard this week.
 Can’t say I’ve worked with either groups in the past. I’m “always” open to 
requests, of course I’d refuse anything which compromises safety. Let me know 
what you’d like and I’ll do my best make it happen.

 My rate for 2 days would be 1000 pounds, but I might be able to absorb some of 
the travel costs for you. I’ve worked for Irish Ferries in the past, so they 
might be willing to swing me a deal. Let me know how your budget is doing and 
I’ll see what we can do.

 Look forward to hearing from you.

The Amazing Nigel

P.S. Also have added a few things to skill list since you were at the show.
 Currently also travelling with my smaller chainsaw show.

Hi,

Sounds fine…I’ll look into travel. Nothing that compromises your safety. All we really want is the show you do with your shirt off and maybe just some tricks with baby oil.


 Regards

Kane

Hi Kane,

You’ve definitly caught my interest. I’ve booked off the time in my schedule 
before and after your event so were a go. Send me the details as soon as you can
 so I can finalise the itinerary. Looking forward to working with ya. I’m
 emptying my email every day, but it fills up quick while on the road I’ve
 noticed.

The Amazing Nigel

Hi,

great I’ve been looking forward to seeing you with your shirt off again. I will email you the final details within the next few days. It should be a blast. Do you like trifle? It’s a delicacy here.

Regards

Kane

Hi,

Just wanted to confirm your departure date and arrival

 You will be leaving from

 Dublin at 07.30 on the 8th of September.
 Travelling via a dolphin. Please take wet weather gear and gloves to hold on to its fin.
[Pack deodorant so you don’t smell of fish when arriving]

I will then arrange for a driver to pick you up from Normandy.

As Dolphins are quite unreliable and sometimes stop to kiss tourists, prevent shark attacks and make funny noises I will have the driver wait there until you arrive.

 You will depart on the 9th at 18.30 via IrishFerries as no dolphins were available [it is our preferred mode of transport but they were off filming a new TV show].

I look forward to your arrival. If there are any complications let me know.

Regards

Kane

Hey Kane,

Love the humor, but leaves me wondering if the gig is real.

The Amazing Nigel

Hey,

Cheers, I’m glad you like the humour maybe I might do a Fringe Show.

 What about something like this “A funny thing happened to me on the way here tonight a Canadian performer tried to get me to move during Fringe Sunday without having the decency to ask before he set up, therefore exposing me to his shithouse show for an hour. So I decided to incorporate him into my own show titled ‘The dolphin, some part of France, the stalker and a rude twat called The Amazing Nigel’ ”. What do you think? Will it go down well?

PS- I forgot to add, you will need to pack some fish to stick in the dolphin’s mouths, they will need to re-fuel. They will be really tired lugging a human and his bag of tricks from Ireland to France and last time I checked there were no petrol stations for dolphins in the English Channel.

And with that I never heard from him again. Let it be noted as well that I wanted to make him go to the airport and call and then photograph him just as he answers my call but my brother’s girlfriend said that I ‘was probably taking it too far’ before adding ‘And not just in going to the airport is too much just coming up with this hairbrained, no, amusing yet moronic idea’

Fair enough then.

This is an article from the AKTIFMAG archive. It first appeared in 2007.